Travelling
by train
It can be a simple case
of getting from A to B. Or, it can involve an intense battleground as you wade
through the crowd that refuses to wait until you depart before they scurry on
and steal your still warm seat. Or, you may not even get the privilege of a
seat and find yourself face-to-armpit with a man who clearly has had a few
hundred too many McDonald’s in his life.
The thing is, whether
you love it or hate it, train travel is one of the things that most of us are
forced to experience on a regular basis. This week I had a number of long
distance train journeys up and down the country and I saw that most people on
the train always seem to do the same, equally annoying, things. If you consider
yourself a kind, generous and well-mannered passenger then it is time for you
to change. It’s time we made train journeys equally irritating and frustrating
for everyone, including those who have enjoyed being nuisances for years. If
you can’t beat them then join them. And to help you do just that, I present the
“Beginners guide to being an irritating train passenger”.
Rule one: Try to push your ideas and thoughts onto
every other member of your carriage.
It would be stupid not
to make the most of having a captive audience for the period of time you have
together on the train. No matter what your belief, politics or ideals may be,
chances are that everyone else wants to know every single detail about them.
I recently had the
pleasure of spending a six hour journey sitting next to a man with what can
only be described as extreme views. He eloquently expressed these views
(including why aliens were behind World War 1, and how the Titanic was made up
by Hollywood) for the five hour journey we shared together. I can only commend
him on his ability not to be disheartened by my yawning and clear boredom as he
set off on a 30 minute ramble about the magical powers of Boris Johnson’s hair
or some such tosh.
Rule two: Be loud
Rule two is in some
ways linked to rule one. If you’re going to share your own opinions on any
subject under the sun, then make sure everybody in the carriage hears it.
Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time. Of course, you don’t have to limit
loudness to talking. If you can, take your baby with you and ensure that it
cries and wails for the full duration of the journey. Another way of making
noise is eating. Do feel free to rustle your crisp packets, slurp your drink
and spray your meal as you talk to other passengers with a full mouth.
Rule three: Take as much luggage as you can
Other people’s legroom
is quite frankly unimportant, so please take up as much of it as you can with
all your luggage. As you’re not on a plane there really is no limit on the
amount of bags you take. You should use
the provided luggage rack for the larger suitcases, but there is nothing to
stop you using as much of the overhead shelf as you want. You can also cover
the table between you and fellow passengers with bags, rubbish, food, drink or
anything else you choose. I mean, why do they need any space at all?
Rule four: Try and get on the train before other
passengers have got off
Getting the best seat
is of upmost importance (you’re going to need a table seat to maximise the
potential of using the first three rules to good effect) so make sure you get
on the train as quickly as possible. If this involves pushing other people out
of the way, blocking their exit from the train, or standing awkwardly in the
doorway so that you can leap through the sliding doors as fast as you can.
With these four simple
rules, you’ll find that in no time you can out-irritate the irritators and
enjoy a selfish, yet peaceful, train ride. If it works for so many others, why
shouldn’t it work for you? I wish you a happy, and hellish, journey.
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